It’s been quite a lapse since my last share/post. On one hand I’ve been waiting to share something worth sharing (playing on some insecurities of always having something to offer) and on the other hand I’ve simply been too exhausted to write.
Life in its entirety has been a whirlwind for many of us, from the pandemic, flipping back and forth between in-person and online work (at least here in Seattle), adjusting to little ones being born (congrats to all the homies who’ve had kiddos), navigating loss, navigating joys, and ultimately a 2+ year period of transition and constant adjustment.
Over this period of time I’ve been able to think a lot, been by myself a lot, re-started therapy, moved milestones in school, coached some football, worked too much and rested too little. With that said, I think the focus of this post will be on slowness, the need for it, how bad I am at it, and how being somewhere in the middle is okay. To recount, since my last post (June ‘21) I’ve:
Published a number of things:
Travelled a bit to different places
Went through a football season where we got crushed, peak learning about losing after coaching two seasons in 9 months
Moved milestones in school and just have to write my dissertation now after doing data collection in the fall
Re-centered my love for photography and decided to just make a site where people can purchase prints here
And many other things!
I like sharing these things since a lot of them are the little joys that I’ve had, that in essence take a long time, but in reality the process of doing them, learning, and tapping into what we are feeling and experiencing is quite important.
Over the past 6 months or so, I’ve really struggled as I moved into a place of self-isolation because of my mental health, and had a hard time trying to navigate wanting to be alone and also being lonely. I think that’s something a lot of folks rarely discuss so I figure opening it up here is a worthy cause. In short, a lot of what I struggled with was learning who I was, who I want be, how I want to improve and the difficult act of loving myself by routinely making time for my personal joys. I think we, and specifically myself, question what I deserve, if I should put myself first or is that something that is selfish, and where’s that line right? And I’m realizing we really don’t owe anyone shit, so whatever we do, we should want to do it, and getting to that point where serving others, serving yourself, and doing daily things is not a chore is really difficult. I don’t feel that I’m there by any means, I’ve just been in my head a lot lol. (happy to chat on this more with folks if they so choose to ping me)
Also, back to slowness.. I’ve learned that for me, understanding what I enjoy takes a lot of time. Like don’t get me wrong, ya boi can crank shit out, be dilignet/intense/hard working and all that to get things done and show up for almost everyone. I’ve just realized I really neglect some of the things that do take time and intention, and learning how to be intentional and slow is hard because it’s super uncomfortable for me. I think film photography has supported that growth in a lot of ways. It, like many ‘practices’, calls attention to the process, not the product. In many ways, I’ve had to like, check myself and internally be like ‘yo! get your shit together and do nothing, literally sit here and think, read a bit, listen to music, let your brain go and learn how to be slow/still’. Those of you who know me well, know I’m always trying to do something, so it’s been difficult. I share this to reiterate the need to slowness, despite our societal pressures to deliver products. At the end of the day, our relationships to people, places, animals, causes and ourselves are most important, and the rest will be better if we focus on these connecting threads.
Moreover, know that most of us wouldn’t have liked MLK Jr. Dude called out white neoliberalism, racial capitalism, and other issues (prison industrial complex) are necessary to address and was killed for it.
I tried to keep things a bit brief, and I appreciate you reading this far. I’m thinking of doing a semi-regular holiday-ish card send out of random photos. I know there’s hella holidays, celebrations, reasons to pause and I figure sending photos just because is a good practice to do that through. If you’d like to be on that list please add your address in this mobile address book for me: www.postable.com/kalebgerminaro.
Here’s a link to my reading list through the library I work at, Estelita’s Library, if you’re really trying to be in my head: https://bookshop.org/lists/kaleb-g-s-list.
Please rest, take care of yourself first (kinda like when flying).