Kaleb ft. Reflections of the Last Year
; a bit of a stream of consciousness so bear with me
Thoughts Since Last March
As I sit here to find some motivation to write and update folks, I’m reflecting on this month and how a year ago it was seemingly a positive outlook. As UW closed for what we were assuming would be two weeks, I remember being thankful for what would be time to rest. At that point, it seemed like for many people, lockdowns, cancelling sports, music and travel were a political choice. Looking back on the 550k+ deaths I’m reminded how some of those choices inevitably saved lives, thus it being a choice of morality. As the Derek Chauvin murder case ensues, I’m also reminded how stressed I was after watching Ahmaud Arbery be killed, and then George Floyd, and then Breonna Taylor, and then.. and then.. and then.
Last summer was brutal. I began organizing at UW on behalf of Black graduate students to hold the university accountable to addressing racism, and that process is brutal. I was forced to reconcile with the fact that while at UW I’ve been threatened to have the cops called on me ‘to take care of me’. I was forced to reconcile with the fact that while at Penn an officer drew his weapon on me and my friends as we were going to take photos as he thought we had drugs on us. Then, I was routinely reminded how being Black is both amazing and tiring at times. In undergrad and my childhood, I remember being invalidated when I would speak up about racism, getting the ‘Black jokes’ regularly, and people touching/petting my hair, and people saying ‘you don’t count cuz you don’t talk like Black people’, and I could go on.
This leads me to where my work comes in; how racial stress turns to trauma, effecting the body, and the ways learning can also be healing. Over the past year I’ve been able to coach high school football, go on a solo road trip, publish articles, farm, join a cycling team, connect with my late grandmother’s sister (family i’m not connected to) who detailed how I’m doing the same work she did before she passed, make a difference, and heal. I healed by learning about what I need, where I’ve been, where I want to go and how. These are qualities and information I had to learn and they’ve been very integral to my development. Many of you reading are also carrying stress and trauma from different instances in your life. I encourage you to reflect on the root causes of your stress, research it, ask questions to whomever, and figure out the best path to healing for YOU. I say this not to tell you how to move through life, rather explain what’s worked for me in my experience, and give insight into the kind of research I do.Â
As of right now, I’m doing better than I have over the last year. Though, there are still many issues occurring: anti-asian racism, mass shootings and COVID-19 cases continue to rise. We can all do our part to address these in our daily lives by supporting collective efforts to ensure these things do not continue. For me, Ive been vaccinated, and been coaching high school football the last 6 weeks. Many of our players are going through a lot with school, family and their personal lives. For them, the football field has been a place to process all of these things. Yes players are wearing masks, yes we have been safe, and yes this is supporting their mental health from the trauma and stress over the last year. We are 3-1, going on to play our 5th game this Thursday. My players are currently my main purpose and joy. As I reflect on the way football, my coaches, and teammates got me through a lot of the most challenging parts in my life - although not without critique - football is serving a similar purpose for me now, as well as my players.
With that said, I’ll be moving to general exams during the month of May. During this time I’ll be essentially answering 3 questions about my field and research and answering them in written format: a literature review, a theoretical question (theories I’ll use), and methods for how I’ll conduct my research for my dissertation. After this I’ll move to my dissertation proposal over summer and start my dissertation study in the fall. Dr. Germ is the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. I appreciate you for making it this far. Also, shout out to my best friend and former roommate, Matt Henderson, for going through his board exams soon as well (he’s a real doctor). Room 2 still the GOAT.
-kg
p.s. happy transday of visibility, check out this post for more ways to support your fellow people.
Appreciate you sharing your reflections Kaleb! Much love!
Keep sharing your truth nephew!